When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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