i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
