Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
