Kiss
Puke
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
