Just fell off a train. Bad.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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