I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
