i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
