I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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