She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
