Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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