I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
