someone threw a dead crab at me
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize