new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
