if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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