You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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