I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
