my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize