I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
