In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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