so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
