The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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