I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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