my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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