I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
