finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
