Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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