i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
