i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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