and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
