Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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