Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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