I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize