So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize