I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
