I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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