Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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