I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Congratulations! We have a period
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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