I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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