Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
