Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
