evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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