I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
