I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
