Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
