Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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