So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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