just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
