Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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