oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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