He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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