If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
