i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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