i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
