Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
