I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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