We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
