So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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