Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
