I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
