A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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