well I can't set my house on fire every night
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
